Pronunciation Woes

    I stood uncertainly beside a desk in a newsroom, watching Dr. Jeremy Wraxtiorre shuffle some papers on it.  As I stood there, a technician wearing a bluetooth-like harness stepped up suddenly.

    "We're almost ready to go on the air, so could you make sure that whats-his-name is ready?"

    Dr. Wraxtiorre looked up, enraged. "My name is Dr. Wraxtiorre!  If you cannot pronounce it right, you can always ask!"

    I stepped aside, fearfully, awaiting flying objects and near-misses.  "Um, can I just go outside until all this blows over?"

    The technician scoffed and walked away.

    Dr. Wraxtiorre looked askance at me through his thick eyebrows.  "Don't play innocent with me, Mister My-coshe, or McKash, or however you say your Germanic name!"

    I stepped forward, squaring off with the famous philosopher who had just earned the scorn of all his female fans with a sloppily-rendered dissing of economics in an article series which only slightly covered its topic.  "Hey, just because you can't say my name aloud is no reason to make fun of me, or refuse to read my writing!  Besides, I'm not Irish!"

    Dr. Wraxtiorre slammed his fist down on the papers.  "Then why do you keep making up names that nobody can say?  Didn't you learn anything from that story "Are We Human Yet" in your book, Mangled Doves, that people sound out names in their heads while reading silently, and will refuse to read even the most banal and charming stories if they cannot pronounce the names of the characters in them?"

    I stepped backward in dismay.  "What?  People can say your name."

    "No, they can't.  They keep adding an extra syllable at the end like they are referring to some fancy Italian food.  I'm not Italian!"

    "Well, then.  How do you pronounce your name?"

    Dr. Wraxtiorre looked up and inhaled with a pause.  "It's pronounced racks-tee-or.  The E is silent."

    I scratched my chin.  "But, every letter makes a sound.  How else would you say the E in your name, except with a Spanish or Italian "ay" sound?"

    Dr. Wraxtiorre slammed his fist on the desk again.  "Can't you just spit out three syllables?  Why does it have to have four syllables?"

    I folded my hands meekly.  "But I was raised on phonics, and it makes sense that the E should be a vowel-sound following the second R's existence as a fourth syllable."

    "But, the E is silent.  With no vowel-sound, the second R is also silent."

    "No, you see, if you are going for a name of Spanish origin, then every letter makes a sound.  So, what does the E say?"

    "IT SAYS NOTHING! Sometimes in English, there are letters which don't make a sound.  The E in my last name is one of them!"

    "But, the E can't be silent.  Not following two consonants.  I keep hearing that song from that Leapfrog video in my head, which says that 'Every letter makes a sound.' So, the E says what?"

    "Are you deaf?  I've been trying to tell you that my name is pronounced RACKS-TEE-OR.  The E doesn't make any sound at all."

    "So, you're not Spanish?"

    Dr. Wraxtiorre looked away and waved me off.  "You never gave me a sense of Nationality, or even a hint of ancestral lineage, so how can you promise that I'm not Spanish?"

    I held out my hand in an inviting gesture.  "So, how do you pronounce the W in you name?"

    Dr. Wraxtiorre got up from the desk and walked off in the direction the technician had gone.